Pissed but OK

Things are getting fucked up with Keeper switching around and us having to have someone else come in and I'm pissed but what can I do about it I pretty much have no say I'm just a fucking kid except I'm not I'm 18 and I should get a say. But anyway I hope you all have a fucking good holiday even though youre probably not even in the US and dont even know what Thanksgiving is.

-Red

Baby Says Hi

I am writing to say happy Thanksgiving. We're not having turkey til tomorrow but Im having fun anyway. I havent got my doll yet but they say soon so I hope so.

-baby

thanksgiving

so yeah it's thanksgiving and were supposed to be thankful for stuff so i'm thankful for amber i love her and im thankful shes happy right now and we got to have fun this morning and i get to right this im thankful for that and i got to buy a shirt i like the other day not one of ambers crappy shirts that i hate but a cool shirt and we found some weights when we were cleaning and do you think i should be a weightlifter HAHAHAHAHAHA

-britt

Losing Keeper

Feeling snarky today. I was feeling sleep but the meds seemed to have kicked in. The wrong music playlist is on and I had some fucked up dreams, but it's all good. Had fun on twitter and now I have to get to work.

I hear Keeper is no longer going to be our gatekeeper, we're getting a new one. I don't like that idea. I like the idea of being the Keeper System. I don't want that to change. Why does she have to leave? I may be an adult but I still don't get it. Yeah, the head system needs a gatekeeper but why do they have to take ours? Makes no sense. I, for one, am protesting. Seriously, I mean it. I'm protesting.

-Candy

My Bedroom

So yeah, they wanted me to pick out a clean bedroom and I picked out THIS. I think the fucking joke is on them. Anyway, this is the kind of place I'd be comfortable.

-Red

It's Me!

I've been stuck in the inner world so longer I'd forgotten about this blog but here I am and I guess I'm supposed to update or whatever. I've been hanging out and chilling and pretty much not doing much. I'm working on a bedroom for the inner world and I get to pick out a pic of one I like so I guess I'm gonna do that. Kinda cool I guess. Anyway, I want my own blog on tumblr and maybe I'll get one, maybe not. I think Keeper is gonna say tumblr isn't a good place for a "nice girl like me." Such shit, I say.

-Red

Get A Grip!

I am so sick of this fucking shit, of being told I do or don't exist based on whether or not someone can see me or I have a body or what the fuck ever. If you don't have DID you can't understand it fully so just shut the fuck up all of you and let me live my fucking life in peace. And no I'm not gonna deny my headmates just because you want me to fit into your box, they're my mates and they share my space and they're just as real as you are, you fuckers. So back the fuck off from my people and keep your hands to yourself until you know what the fuck you're talking about, cuz not everybody with DID is faking it and DID is fucking real, ok?

-red

its not fair!

i like talking to grown ups some there fun if there nice and they say cool things i get to make them laugh cuz im funny and i learn cool stuff but they wont let me cuss i dont like that i like to cuss why cant kids cuss grown ups do it all the time when im grown up ill do it to so why not now

-britt

what its like

what is it like being me? how can i even answer that? i dont get up like you do in the morning. i dont eat breakfast or have coffee or put on clothes like you do. i maybe watch from inside the head while someone else does it and maybe im inside altogether having no say what goes on and sitting on a couch watching tv or something and how can you even understand that? i dont know. its impossibly fucked up for people whove never done it. sometimes i think the only people ill ever be able to talk to are other alters, cuz who else is gonna believe something as fucked up as us? we are fucked up.

-crystal

Red Here

I'm fronting. This is so weird, to be trapped in this fat body. I'm not fat all, and my hair is a lot longer than this, and I'm totally a lot cuter and shit. I found a pic online that looks like me and I feel better about that. I don't know what to say really. I'm supposed to talk about what it's like to be me. Well honestly it's shit some days, it totally sucks and shit, but I have fun places to hang out when I'm not backgrounding, I hang out with Sissy and Damien and Molly and sometimes Ricky (shhhhh).

-red

Morning Musings

Blocked a couple of insensitive bastards on twitter. That's what I get for trying to be open about my situation, if "situation" is even the correct word. I should seriously consider being gay, as I am about done with men at this point. I know I'm too sensitive about it all and really too shy to talk about it. Probably I shouldn't link my twitter account to here and just let everyone think I'm a normal person like them. But I really want to be accepted for who I am.

Little 2 is having trouble and I am taking care of her today. I wish Amber would come back into the headspace and work with me but I know that's too much to ask. We used to work great together, except for Chad hitting on her all the time. He's a pig, but sometimes I wish he would hit on me. It's nice to feel pretty.

I am listening to some sort of hard metal music and I don't know who turned it on. Maybe Amber was up earlier, I don't know. I'd change it but really I'm too lazy. I need my own playlist but I'm not out enough to need one, most of the time. It would be about 10 songs long anyway!

I'd better go. Little 2 (who don't we give them names?) is clinging to me so bad.

-Candyland

Crystal's Poem

Saw a crow
in a tree today
I waved but it
did not.

Saw a cloud
of amber grey
on the skyline
of the night.

Saw a heart
beating hard
in the chest
beneath my breast.

Saw an eye
or even two
staring out
from me at you.

-Crystal

no fun tonite

crystal is being a bitch tonite usually i dont have to deal with her but keeper is letting her out a little and shes making wierd noises and laughing at me and i want amber to make her go away. i didnt have much fun today cuz amber was doing all grown up things and keeper made me stay inside most of the time i couldn't even background. amber made these new online friends and i dont want her to have anymore of them i want her to be my friend

-britt

Meeting

Met with Anna, Anna Beth and Sarah last night in the Old House. They want me to form a leadership unit with them to manage the entire Anna Beth system. That would mean me leaving this system. I feel I cannot do that unless The Protector is willing to take my place. The Protector is a wolf who has remained at the edge of the system until now. He could take my place if he was trained. I am not sure he is the one. I am uncertain of how to proceed. I must protect my system.

-Keeper

Last Night

Had SO much fun last night! We went to this new place in the inner world that we haven't been before and Amber, Candy, Sissy, Damien, and Molly sat around a fire in this cave and roasted marshmallows and just shot the shit and Amber acted like one of us and wasn't snobby at all. She talked about what she does with her online friends and shit like that and we were all nice to her and it was even better than I thought it would be. Amber says we can do that again, like once a week maybe, and everybody agreed to that. I am so excited! Today I get to background as long as I don't act all goofy and get Amber in too much trouble, like I would EVER do that! :D

-red

quiz cuz fun!

Who was your last text from? i dont get txts 

What's your profile picture? a girl who looks like me 

What's your middle name? i dont have one 

Your current relationship status? single 

What is your current mood? happy 

If you could go back in time and change something, would you? idk 

Do you have a crazy side? totally

Ever had a near death experience? no 

Angry at anyone? no 

Do you wanna see somebody right now? idk 

When was the last time you cried? i cant remember ever crying 

Who would you do anything for? amber i love her so much 

Who is your hero? amber 

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? there ugly 

Do you still watch kid movies or TV shows? i am a kid!

What are you eating or drinking at the moment? nothing but i wish i was drinking koolaid 

Have you ever lost a friend? yeah but she was a fragment 

If you could have one wish come true what would it be? i get to be just like amber 

Describe your life in one word? idk i can do one word but its feeling stopped up like i want to do stuff 

Do you still have feelings for an ex? i dont know what an ex is 

Do you like the rain? no i like sun 

What are you thinking about right now? this test thingie 

What should you be doing right now? going to bed but keepers letting me do this cuz fun 

Who's your last call from? i dont get calls

What are you listening to? charlies machine snore 

Who was the last person you told "I love you" to? idk 

Who was the last person you yelled at? probably baby 

What is your eye color? brown 

Who was the last person to make you smile? idk probably baby 

Is there one person you can tell anything to? keeper 

Last movie you saw in theaters? ive never been in a movies 

Favorite store you like to shop at? any store i love stores but theyre crowded i like outside more 

Where do you want to live? wherever amber is in the woods and go hunting 

Have you changed much since high school? im 12 lol 

Have you ever slapped anyone? baby 

What are you watching? nothing 

Who do you look up to? amber

Favorite author? i dont read but i want to 

What will win your heart over? anything amber says 

- britt

Jez's Poem

fuck u
shes mine
ambers all mine
go away
i hate u
shes mine
ur hurting her
u don't what ur doing
this blog is dumb
i hate u
amber hates u
go away

-jez

Idiots

You are all idiots. You think I won't kill you; you think I don't know how. I have plans for all of you. I see you in shallow graves. I dream about it at night and I can kill people in my dreams. I'm not lying; I never lie. I wouldn't sleep too soundly tonight if I was you.

-Sammy J

Goodnight From Baby

Charlie is nice. I like him. Ive heard of him but only thru Amber so its nice to meet him and hang out. He patted my head. Tomorrow I want to play with a doll. Amber says she has one I can play with. Now I have to go to bed.

-baby

early bed :(

i get to write a little before bed i got to go to bed soon cuz annie is fronting and i guess annie is tired but she's letting me type this so i guess im kinda fronting with her? anyway i dont know how that works. were listening to this weird list of songs annie made  there all slow and sad and she says their blues or whatever and i dont like them i want to make a list of songs tomorow that i like if i get the chance. amber went out tonite to have fun and so did a lot of the girls and i have eto stay here and go to bed early and its no really fair i wnat to do something fun with baby tomorrow and maybe amber if she has the time

-britt

Twitter

Had a lot of fun on twitter today. I made two friends, talked to a couple other tweeters, and got up to over 100 followers. I'll be "elite" in no time! :D I tried to find other accounts on DID but most of the ones I found were inactive. Sucks. Guess I'll have to make blog friends. A little nervous about going into the inner world with a bunch of us tonight, mostly worried about Amber being there. She hasn't been there since some time in August. I don't know how she'll behave. I know she hasn't been to the ocean or the cave so I'm hoping she'll adapt to a less earth-like mock up. We shall see...

-Candy

Going Out Tonight

So good news! Amber, Candy, Sissy, Molly and me are going out tonight (inner world) and Damien might go too and I haven't really hung out with them enough so it should be a blast. Like we're gonna get drinks (nonalcoholic, SIGH) and probably dance and shit, and Molly knows of this cool beach with whales that come really close somehow and a cave where we can light a fire and sit around it and roast marshmallows. How's that for awesome! I had to kind of drag Amber into it cuz she's been fronting so much she thinks it's all fantasy, or that's what she's being told, but now we have a therapist who's cooler with it and shit and he said its ok and I guess this guy she talks to online is ok with it to so we go tonite and i can't wait. I'm just afraid something will happen and it will all get called to a halt, you know, like right now there's fighting going on and I'm only getting to write this cuz Keeper is co-fronting with Amber, trying to keep down the chaos, and so I'm getting a chance to type this and shit. So, yeah, that's cool. I guess we're going tonight around 6 or 7, but it can be whatever time we want when we get there. Like, maybe afternoon and then night cuz i want to see the whales AND the moon, I might never get to go back!

-red

Update

I updated the headmates page. I know some more now. Still locating and interviewing the alters. Check it out.

-Keeper

Up too early

It's horribly early, I can't keep my eyes open, I don't know why I'm awake or I'm the one hosting, how did that happen? I feel awkward writing cuz I don't know how to type that well and there aren't any lights on or nothing. Listening to some kind of rock playlist somebody put on last night and realize I'm wearing purple flannel pajamas and some gray striped guys shirt, like how did I get that on? I'm starving but I don't know where there's food, I should check the kitchen. I know so little about this place, like I do, I've seen it all, but not from the body, you know? This is fucking weird.

-red

Snow Today

Today I went outside with Amber and Britt to play in the snow. I was scared. They lay down to make a snow angel. I was scared. I didn't like being in the snow. I like the sun better. I don't have much to say. Amber says she has a doll I can play with. I am happy about that! At least the snow is pretty. It's nice to look at but not to play in.

-baby

snow!

i got to play in the snow hoodi and hayley and anna and amber and me and it was lots of fun and i made a snow angel and got to co-front with amber for a little while to make the angel it was lots of fun i hope i can do it again soon i guess were having more snow now like its winter already and everything really early and i think thats gonna be fun i gotta go now bye

-britt

Candy Here

Just some Friday observations: It feels like Sunday, it's snowing, I'm tired and hungry, I have no idea how much we slept last night, I have a cramp in my wrist (I didn't know that was possible), I'm wearing flannel pajamas for some reason, there's an open diary next to me that is not mine and it's so hard not to read it.

-Candy

World's Tallest and Shortest Men

I am totally fascinated. The world's tallest and shortest men met in London. Chandra Bahadur Dangi, 21 1/2 inches, and Sultan Kosen, 8' 3".

-Amber

Amber Update

I'm currently co-fronting with Anna Beth (original host). Today was kind of long. We got up at 4:30 am, blogged and wrote and tweeted and generally wore our minds out until 12:30 pm, then the skills worker, Nicole, came and Anna Beth co-fronted with Anna. I stayed in the background and hoped no one would talk about making me do the dishes. They didn't!

I had Britt in my ear most of the afternoon, pestering me with questions. And Baby. She really wants to play with a doll she knows is in the closet. It's new for these girls to even be acknowledged. Since I didn't even know about their existence as alters until Monday/Tuesday, I'm still recovering from the shock. Sure, I've had voices and weird thoughts and feelings for years, but I never knew I had my own system of multiples. It's all quite overwhelming.

Keeper is keeping Sammy J and Jez in darkness and Red is quiet right now. 10 mg of Ritalin has calmed things down. Charlie is off to get us all food. I am playing around online with Anna Beth and trying to get my head in the mood to write at least some poetry. I'm working on several novels right now. I'm trying to participate in NaNoWriMo but it's so hard when you have six hours of therapy in one week--well, seven actually.

Got to go. Charlie's back.

-Amber

Progress

I'm organizing this blog. I have the headmates listed but their bios are not complete. The photos resemble their inner world appearance. I will conduct further interviews over the next few days. Sarah will have a page. Also Amber. Reply with any questions.

-Keeper

Dear Bill

We haven't had that much time to talk lately and I wanted to let you know a couple things—things I think you'll be happy to hear. Your message this morning got me thinking about telling you, since up until now I had been thinking I might not.

Of course you know you've been an idol in my life for a long time. I don't mind admitting it because I know God allowed it for a reason. There are a lot of times when I miss the relationship you and I used to have, so long ago, the one where I dared call you at nine at night when I was having a bad time. But relationships change and grow and so do we. You took on a different role in my life and that was one I needed too. There's no doubt you saved my life. I'm not trying to flatter you by saying that. Believe me, flattering you is the last thing on my mind.

I think my unhealthy attachment to you started to break the day I told you about the Visteral. I'm sure I'd been working up to it, but that day will always stand out in my mind as the turning point, the point of no return. I felt as if you had run me through with a sword. I get the feeling you felt the same way about the pills. I thought my life had ended. And so you sent me to MH-IOP. And they started trying to put me back together. And they said I needed to separate from you and I hated them for it. I defended you to the bitter end. But, of course, we both know they were/are right.

A week ago Thursday night I went to bed with you as an idol in my life, and Friday morning I woke up and you were gone from that place inside me. It shocked me. I kept waiting for the obsession to return but it didn't, it hasn't. I kept waiting to be devastated at the lack of a hug or at you leaving without saying goodbye. It didn't. It's been over a week. I'm still waiting.

There is a giant hole where that idol used to be. I know I need to fill it with God, and quickly, or something else will jump inside it. They tell me at Acadia that I become easily addicted to things. Well, that's no surprise. I miss my obsession to you. It gave me a reason to live. I lived for you. But we all know that couldn't continue and now that it's ended I find myself almost looking for it again. It's the first time I've looked at you and though, “Oh God, he's just an ordinary person. He's just like anybody else.” I can't tell you how painful that is. How much I want you to still be the person I used to have you be.

But this is good. This is growth. This is where we've known I had to be. I still need your hugs and love. I still love you. I'm just not that dependent person that I was, the person who wouldn't do things just because you told me not to. I'm an adult, I have to make my own decisions. Of course, I'm also sick, and therefore understand I need more guidance. I probably always will. I'm not sure where I go from here. I still think of you as my dad, I still want to be your little girl. But I'm grown up too, and I know God has someone perfect waiting for me, someone I can fall in love with with my entire heart. And I get the feeling he's not that far away.

-Sissy

i want this doll for Christmas!

This is a doll not a baby. It is so amazing!

-baby

Getting the Message

I'm not fronting or anything. Keeper, through Amber, is typing this for me. It's a tenuous chain of command! I don't think I'd like fronting, not even background fronting like Keeper does. I liked having Amber as a friend a lot and we had good times when she was in the inner world more but now that she's in the fronting rotation it isn't nearly as much fun being with her. Red has taken her place in the inner world and now I hang out with Red and the old crew and I guess that's nice enough. Red has become a good friend. She and I are trying to get Amber to come back and spend time with us, with Sissy and Chelsey and Damien. Not Ricky though. Sarah drove Ricky to the edge of the system and that's where he belongs. We're all glad he's there except for Red, who was born with Amber's desire for him. She has this pathetic yet somehow heartwarming hope that he's going to return to her. I wish Amber was that loyal. Since Amber is typing this message for me I hope she's getting the message.

-Candyland (as translated by Amber/Keeper)

i want to go outside!

we have a worker she comes every day from 12:30 to 3:30 her name is nicole she is nice i want her to take us outside today for a ride to a park so i can go on the swings with amber and have fun and maybe go in the woods or hike or something but i know amber is tired and has to do dishes inside and she doesn't like doing dishes so she'll probly complain and that will take up time wen i could be playing outside.

-britt

Being Poor

OK so here's what I don't like. We have no money, like none. Yep. Like I want to buy a shirt or have milk for coffee or go somewhere fun, like play pool or something, and there's no money. Our email got shut off this morning, we had to get a poor person's phone yesterday from charity, I have no new clothes, I cant' even go get a burger, we don't have any food I like, nothing. Yep. It's just soooo hard and I know there are kids starving in otehr countries and all that so don't come down on my head OK, but it is still hard to not have clothes that fit or food all the time or a phone so one person can call the other if there in trouble, shit like that. It's hard when you live in the US, cuz almost everybody has that shit that I talk to and I don't. Like, we were homeless once I'm told. I wasn't born then, but we slept in a car in a parking lot, like that's some serious shit, and somestimes I worry that will happen again, we'll have to sleep in a car again and this time I'll be there and shit and I don't know how I'd deal with that. Like, that's serious. That's almost like being in a third world country maybe, except we'd have car. Or maybe not even that. So yeah, it bothers me. I just want to play pool for a dollar at the M room and we don't have a dollar.  Fucking shit.

- Red

all about that bass

so like i know alot of grown ups are making fun of the song all about that bass but i dont think theyve read the words cuz its really a cool song about not needing to be all skinny and stuff and so i think its cool and you should listen to it before you judge it cuz thats what i did.

- britt

"All About That Bass"

Because you know
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
C'mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top

Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night."
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

Because you know I'm
All about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass
Hey!

I'm bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that
No, I'm just playing. I know you think you're fat
But I'm here to tell ya
Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

Yeah my mama she told me don't worry about your size
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night."
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

Because you know I'm
All about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass

Because you know I'm
All about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass

Because you know I'm
All about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass
'Bout that bass, 'bout that bass
Hey, hey, ooh
You know you like this bass

Hi

Hi. I don't like you. I think you should go away. Just saying. So I'm not going to say much but I will say I'm not dumb like these people think and I'm just biding my time until I can fix everything. The time has not yet come. I'm not going to issue too many more warnings. People don't listen when you bark; they pay attention when you bite.

- Sammy J

britt again

hi its britt again i wanted a twitter acct but i cant have one so you'll have to put up with me here i guess. im to young to have a twitter acct i guess cuz they talk about sex and stuff on there alot and thats no ok for me cuz im only 12 so here i am. im super hungry and i want to go outside but i cant and its weird being let out of the inner world and being with amber, looking thru her eyes like i dont know how else to explain it, like i can make her think crazy stuff and its funny cuz she does this head jerk like OMG what was that! and i laugh inside cuz i know it was me and she doesn't know it tho shes catching on and sometimes she pokes back and then i get kind of slapped in the brain, i dont know how to explain it, and then it hurts for a minute and i sorry i done it...a little....not all the time!

- britt

Ramblings

I was this piece of me and I had weird feelings and they weren’t complete and shit. I was sort of part of my DID sister but not, I knew I wasn’t all me but I wasn’t all her either. I wanted her to do a lot of shit that sometimes she didn’t want to do, like go out and party and drink and date Ricky. I mean Ricky was (is I guess) kind of a dirtbag but he’s cool too and I like him, I still like him, even if I guess he cheated or something. That’s just a rumor. Anyway, I have some cool friends on the inside like Candyland and Molly and we hang out and go to parties and shit. I’m not really as much my DID sister anymore cuz she started doing other shit and hanging out with this guy online and I didn’t want any of that so I started doing my own thing cuz I didn’t feel welcome, like she didn’t want to party and drink anymore and that’s what I love to do, so it was like being rejected and pushed away and that’s when I had my real birth, my independent birth, and I chose the name Red I don’t really know why, except I didn’t want a normal name and it seemed fun and I like the color Red (I got that from my DID sis), and I wear a lot of red on the inside.

-Red

Normal Kid

Sometimes I think my brain

will explode

cuz it’s fucked up

then sometimes

I know it’s just a normal brain

I’m just a normal kid

living in someone else’s body

and I laugh

cuz nobody gets that

nobody but my friends

on the inside.

- Red

So yeah

hi. so im supposed to say something keeper says. so i don’t really know what to say. its the time when ppl go hunting here. you heer shots. they kill deer. deer taste funny but i sort of like it. we have veel in the fridge. i dont know what veel is. i totally suck at spelling dont i? anyway i can do better but this is just supposed to be informal so it dont’ matter ok.

-britt

Hello From Baby

I am eleven. I am afraid of alot of things. I do not like night. I got to buy a dress yesterday. It is pink. I can wear it in the winter because it is warm. It has roses on it. I like my dress. I don’t know what else to write. I have a teddy bear to. I like my teddy bear. He don’t have a name. He’s kind of like me. I call him Teddy.

-baby

Welcome to Our System

This is Keeper. I am starting this blog to provide the headmates under my care with a way to express themselves. I will be setting it up over the next few days as I have the time.