Dear Bill

We haven't had that much time to talk lately and I wanted to let you know a couple things—things I think you'll be happy to hear. Your message this morning got me thinking about telling you, since up until now I had been thinking I might not.

Of course you know you've been an idol in my life for a long time. I don't mind admitting it because I know God allowed it for a reason. There are a lot of times when I miss the relationship you and I used to have, so long ago, the one where I dared call you at nine at night when I was having a bad time. But relationships change and grow and so do we. You took on a different role in my life and that was one I needed too. There's no doubt you saved my life. I'm not trying to flatter you by saying that. Believe me, flattering you is the last thing on my mind.

I think my unhealthy attachment to you started to break the day I told you about the Visteral. I'm sure I'd been working up to it, but that day will always stand out in my mind as the turning point, the point of no return. I felt as if you had run me through with a sword. I get the feeling you felt the same way about the pills. I thought my life had ended. And so you sent me to MH-IOP. And they started trying to put me back together. And they said I needed to separate from you and I hated them for it. I defended you to the bitter end. But, of course, we both know they were/are right.

A week ago Thursday night I went to bed with you as an idol in my life, and Friday morning I woke up and you were gone from that place inside me. It shocked me. I kept waiting for the obsession to return but it didn't, it hasn't. I kept waiting to be devastated at the lack of a hug or at you leaving without saying goodbye. It didn't. It's been over a week. I'm still waiting.

There is a giant hole where that idol used to be. I know I need to fill it with God, and quickly, or something else will jump inside it. They tell me at Acadia that I become easily addicted to things. Well, that's no surprise. I miss my obsession to you. It gave me a reason to live. I lived for you. But we all know that couldn't continue and now that it's ended I find myself almost looking for it again. It's the first time I've looked at you and though, “Oh God, he's just an ordinary person. He's just like anybody else.” I can't tell you how painful that is. How much I want you to still be the person I used to have you be.

But this is good. This is growth. This is where we've known I had to be. I still need your hugs and love. I still love you. I'm just not that dependent person that I was, the person who wouldn't do things just because you told me not to. I'm an adult, I have to make my own decisions. Of course, I'm also sick, and therefore understand I need more guidance. I probably always will. I'm not sure where I go from here. I still think of you as my dad, I still want to be your little girl. But I'm grown up too, and I know God has someone perfect waiting for me, someone I can fall in love with with my entire heart. And I get the feeling he's not that far away.

-Sissy